Let Go

Let go.
Let go and dream BIG. 
Let go and dream big.
Emphasis on dream.

This is where I've been misunderstanding ... well ... everything.  I've resisted dreaming big because of outcome attachment.  Cuz, you know, the point of dreaming big is to make it happen, right?

WRONG!  ... well, wrong for me.

Dreaming, the dreaming, is the emphasis.  Dream because it makes me feel good, the imagining, the details, the sensory inventing, the perfection of the dream itself.  NO need for it to be, or become, real, to 'manifest'.  Just let go and dream.  And let it be as over the top, vast, infinite, stellar, stupendous, awesome, incredible, unlimited, and unedited as it can possibly be.  It's a dream.  It feels good.

Maybe I'll never have three bookshelves full of books I've written, but boy do I salivate dreaming it.  Maybe I'll never spend a winter in an old-school, old-timey Czech apartment on one of the main squares, writing pithy and intellectual articles for global publications, strolling at dusk through snow-misted cobbled streets, my hands thrust in the deep pockets of an oversized vintage man's coat, my hair in a neat ponytail down my back, under a hand-knitted-by-me pommed stocking cap, returning home to slide under a mountain of homemade, thick quilts on a bed near a fireplace ... but oh does the imagining give me goose bumps.  And that me who rocks a slide guitar on stage at outdoor concerts where everyone is dressed straight from the look-books of Spell and the Gypsy Collective (& my stage outfit is custom made by them!)?  Well, she's wholly dream material and she makes me swell with swagger inside.

It's the DREAMING.  The dream creates/invokes the emotions, and the emotions are a manifestation, the first kind of manifestation, vibrational and thrilling, energized and certain.  No need for guards against 'the other shoe dropping' (dream not coming true) -- because it already IS coming true in the deep pleasure of my emotions.  It's already as real as, maybe MORE real (because it's perfect) than, a physical manifestation of it.  AND, it brings me into alignment; it adds to the momentum of my positivity.  Good grief -- it's a rampage of creativity and appreciation; it's the juice of visualization -- TO FEEL IT.  Just because feeling it feels good!

Receiving this insight just blew the lid off any residue of confusion or hesitation I had left about 'dreaming big' -- it subtracts the jargon, the self-help-speak flavor of it, the big push to outcome, and leaves me with the sheer joy of DREAMING!

I think I'll go write a few songs on my guitar while sitting near the chill-fogged window of my Prague apartment, a hot mug of tea on a nearby table, the coolest embroidered and fringed poncho over my vintage 70s wide-bell jeans ... and my feet all warm and toasty in a pair of TOE SOCKS!  

Life Mission Statement

In my life, I am committed to:
    Freedom
    Inner Harmony, and
    A Sense of Accomplishment

I choose to have these show up by my commitment to being:
    Powerful
    Clear, and
    Knowing my Worthiness

I demonstrate these by:
    Creating
    Grounding through my breathing, and
    Speaking Appreciation

And so it is.

Making Friends with Words

Up until mid-February 2016, I was allergic to, recoiled from, and otherwise disdained and rejected such words as:
* powerful
* confidence
* juicy / moist
* Queen (in reference to myself)
* worthy
* deserving
* unlimited (or: limitless)
* downstream (going with the flow, not pushing back)

My working mantra/belief system up until the same time point was (for years, actually):  'Little Equals BIG' - as in: I thought I excelled by keeping my activities and circle of friends and family smaller, so they would receive more, and more balanced, of my attention, my focus, my energy, my love.  The phrase Dream Big gagged me, offended me even.  I was belligerently, defensively tired of having that thrust at me as the only way to grow, to be, to believe, to achieve, to perceive success, etc.  I thought my strength was in my only allowing a very, very restricted, limited ... um ... realm in my life.

Until February of this year, I couldn't sustain looking at myself in the mirror, for any length of time beyond about 45 seconds - for all kinds of reasons:  I saw nothing but flaws OR I felt self-conscious OR I didn't see anyone of value to be staring at.  I mainly didn't/couldn't even recognize myself in the reflection.

My goal this year was to study LOVE -- read about it, talk about it, read more, do practices for myself -- love.

Meditation, specific reading, life coaching and the ongoing practice sessions have paraded all these, and many more, words into and through my awareness, and it's as if we've never met.  And it began with self-love.  I had never anticipated that - at all, let alone as first rise, first priority, immediately.  Ba-Bam.   Visions and inspired thought during meditations have shown me I'm a queen - only it isn't a 'queen' in the trigger-laden way that word has always existed for me.  I'm not even going to try explain the differences - I can't.  But I 'know' them; I feel them.  And that lined up powerful, and confidence, and dream big, and man-oh-man do I love myself some Toni-time-in-the-mirror.  Not one wobble in considering my own worthiness and deservingness.

More, please.  More and more and more.  Vast, huge, endless, unlimited, limitless, eternal.  Love.  Loving me. 

Convergence

I care about feeling good.  I feel my way to that all day long.  The Law of Attraction teaches that I have an 'Emotional Guidance System' which is my indicator, in every moment, of how aligned I am with my inner beings, my source energy.  Source energy always and only ever sees me at my most perfect expansion, lovingly, approvingly.  When I'm seeing myself differently than that, when I'm experiencing contrast, and I feel something in that range of 'negative' emotion, this tells me I'm out of alignment with my truest, highest self.  My source will NEVER come down to where I am when my view of myself differs from its loving view of me.  So, when this happens, I then uplevel the emotion, little by little, to a better-feeling place.  Get it:  many, many times, the uplevel I reach isn't exactly some high-flying, exuberant platform of bliss and rainbows.  I've just maybe soothed and moved myself from anger or frustration to some clarity about the situation, or to a small pivot toward a solution. 

This is my 'care', all day long -- how do I feel, and are my emotions close to my highest self, or spinning me away from that?  ... and then tending to the upleveling.  I've also been entirely absorbed by the Life Coaching class, the class itself, the reading, the homework, the practice sessions -- absorbed to the point of feeling HIGH, all the time.

What that has meant, for weeks now, is that, all day long, I'm not thinking about ... um ... specifics.  I'm not focusing on specifics of this project or that future endeavor or some other pesky concern like tire alignment or where my next practice coaching client is coming from.  No attention in those places means no potential for doubt or attempts at control or wobbly thinking or doubt or pessimism or did I say doubt?  None of those things.

The result of that has been CONVERGENCE - like this: 
* perfect traffic, everywhere I go -- green lights, open lanes, easy merges, shortened travel times, parking spaces up close and in the shade, great gas mileage, favorite song after favorite song on the radio while I'm traveling. 
* awesome shifts, discussions, and collaborations at work, coming out of nowhere and incorporating my favorite focus areas and strengths, AND the coaching.
* easy, consistent, sweet interactions with my fellas, my husband and sons, in conversation and exchanges and energy.
* certain legal and financial situations resolving themselves, or moving along toward positive resolutions, just the way I want them to.
* idea after idea after idea after idea, and great writing in my journal every morning - it's collaborative writing, energy/me writing; it's new, it feels deeper, joined. 
* more and more birds coming to the patio, where I write -- lining the wires, the masonry wall, fly-bys, serenades, and coming closer and closer.
* synchronicities occurring so often that I'm struggling even to try to record some of them in my journal, to appreciate them, to say thank you for them.
* increasingly, I'm having conversations with people (& some of them people I never would have guessed would talk about this) about all of this I'm writing here -- I'm telling my story now, out loud (not just in meditation or in my journal), and the people who respond to that are beginning to come to me outside of life coaching class.  My Peeps Are Coming!!!!  My Peeps Are Coming!!!

Getting out of it all, letting it all completely go, being absolutely absorbed elsewhere (& in positive ways), getting out of my own way, means The Universe has had free reign to flow in all things relative to my life.  And I'm not meddling, not arguing, not mentally or emotionally 'there' to interfere -- not 'there' at all!  I'm just off feeling good and/or upleveling to feel better, happily engrossed in that one main priority.  I do remember asking for some of these things that are coming to me, converging on me -- but I can honestly tell you I don't remember asking for great traffic - except for a safe and mechanically sound car.  I expend much of my focus at work experiencing contrast and saying, 'Ok, I know what I don't want -- what do I prefer?  What DO I want?'  And now it's unfolding.  I mean, meetings are melting off my calendar in an avalanche effect!  I didn't ask for no more meetings, I just preferred a different kind of meeting.  Yet the Universe has taken those preferences and created ... something more perfect than I even thought to ask for.

Oh ... ahhh ... I love this.  I love how easy it is.  Just feel good, or focus on feeling better, and chill, do what I love, what makes me feel good, and leave the rest of it to the Universe.

I Don't Do News

I don't do news.  Zero news, nada news, absolutely NO news - no MSN home page, no Facebook posts or links, no cable, no TV, no newspaper, no discussions with people at work about news, no listening to other people discuss the news.  I don't do news.  3 months of this, now - no news.  No allowing infiltration of my well being with the steady stream of toxic, negative-tuned news. 

Yesterday, I heard someone on a video articulate her dream of creating a news station that only streams good news, uplifting new, positive news.  Six or seven months ago, I wrote that same thing down in my idea notebook, and name it 'Rise'.  I wrote that I want a home page, a network, a magazine, a blog, really all of these -- that only publish or post or stream positive stories.  How hard could it possibly be to tell the 50 ba-billion happy, delightful, and fun 4th of July adventures, versus the one or two tragedies of someone or someone's child getting hurt?  Ya know?  How many villages, all over the world, come together in community to help someone, to inspire one another, to support creativity and life, all the time - but no, we can only hear about who's bombing who, about death and dearth and terror and the very worst of human nature, all the time, ad nauseum! 

I've trained my brain away from allowing penetration of this relentlessly bad, sad, tragic, horrific, pessimistic, speculative, combative, and name-calling 'news'.   I refuse to see it.  I refuse to hear it.  I refuse it, entirely.  The news as it's presented represents the collective choice of others who want a different, negative, flow.  Bad news sells.  So does gossip.  So does slinging crap at and about others.  So does perpetrating the inequities and terror and greed and lies and arguments.  They can have it, no fight from me. 

Head in sand?  Pollyanna Effect?  Unicorns and teddy bears?  Naïve and unrealistic?  1 million percent, and thank you very much - by absolute choice, with deliberate intent!  I choose to see, hear, acknowledge, let in, and flow only what feels good, only what I want to expand and expound on.  Wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, whoever I'm with, whatever is going on, I choose to see MY version of the world, of the Universe, of humanity, of individuals, of life.

The Law of Attraction is an inclusive Universal law: 

Focus on what you want, say yes to what you want - it comes, and more of it is drawn. 

Focus on what you don't want, say no to what you don't want, you're still focusing on it, and so more of it comes, and more of it is drawn. 

Guess which way I'm going to go with my focus and my intent?

I am the physical eyes, ears, nose, taste, and touch for the Greater Consciousness, for non-physical energy.  I want, I choose, to be the Delivery Woman of Positivity.  I choose this even if it means making it up, telling the story the way I want it to be.  I am also a creator ... so I'm creating, then telling, MY tale - the tale of unity and well being, the tale of inclusion and positivity, the tale of all kinda good shite going on, all the time, everywhere.  Because it IS - it always is, and I'm taking up accountability for spreading that news, the good news, and the good news only!

The Universal Positivity a la Toni Effect

In class last night, our tool involved an extensive technique to assist in drawing out a self-designed mantra.  I sagged; I recoiled; I resisted.  It felt ... like an assignment.  It felt ... as if to define a mantra, I would be locking myself into something, a box, a narrow path.  I squirmed & gagged & stiffened & denied.

But what did I then do?

I told my partner the truth.  And I asked to be the coachee, the client.  I invited my source energy to support and join the session, and asked it to help me open.  I flat out didn't want to stay stuck in that pinched off, blocked, negative space.

At the end of the hour-long coaching session, I had a mantra, and my mantra had (& still has) me smiling all through.  [Thank you to my coach, Sherida - you summoned it from me!]

I raise my hands, now, palms up in signal of my willingness to receive, in emphasis of my offering - all are my witnesses.

I,

Toni,

say YES to

being the conduit for and

facilitator of

the

'Universal Positivity a la Toni Effect'. 

I do this through allowing,

with humility and exuberance,

invoking creativity and flexibility,

and by always remembering the fun factor --

in all ways,

in every NOW.

I say YES to this mantra as

truth in my life

and

put it into ACTION as done! 

And so it is.

Purpose as A Component of My Path

All my life, I've resisted goal-setting, defining purpose, specific outlines and aiming of my direction.  I felt ... forced.  I felt ... caged.  I felt ... heavy ... whenever I attempted any of those things, or had to fulfill them as part of job reviews.

I move organically.  Always have.  One book reveals a topic or recommends another ... and so I go.  One conversation piques a resonance to meet someone else, or go somewhere else ... and so I do.  Natural unfolding, uncoerced, revealed moment-by-moment.  Awesome.

At the foundational weekend of my life coaching course, and even at the orientation prior to that, some degree of emphasis was placed on knowing my purpose.  Statements were made that without that knowledge, I'd be aimless, ping-ponging, unfocused.  Internally, I recoiled from that. It sounded like untruth (for me).  So:  I checked in with my Inner Beings, my source, and we collectively agreed if that didn't feel right to me, then it wasn't right for me, and that was/is okay.

This morning, following an outdoor meditation, I wrote, 'Thank you that I'm dreaming, visioning, and really so - not 'wishing', but deep, and deeply-sourced, realizations of my DREAMS and ABILITIES. 

AHA, JUST NOW: 

these dreams are guiding me toward discovering how I can be used,

how I may serve, and

toward my purpose. 

AHA, JUST NOW: 

my purpose is also ever expanding - it's not a set point, or a goal, at all! 

It's not a one-time, all-encompassing, inflexible thing! 

Whoa!  I LOVE THAT!  oh, I love that!  Because -- it's weightless; it's freeing!  My purpose is to align and take the next step, isn't it!  To feel good, and then to follow inspired action.  oh.  oh.  ohoh.  My purpose, as I'm interpreting it right now, is to serve - no need to define that at all, is there?  That's not my work.

My intention is to feel good, always - wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, whoever I'm with, whatever is going on, unconditionally.

My desire (purpose) is to serve, to be used for the greatest, highest good of All-That-Is, and All-That-I-Am.

My work (which feels like play) is to allow, to align, to feel good, to vibrationally raise myself to be a match with the steps that will (& do) light up and inspire action -- and to relax, to have fun, to be joyous."

* * * * *

Until that writing, purpose felt like naming an outcome, then forcing a path toward it - rigid, fixed, a trap.  Now, purpose has transformed, has joined the emotions and process of being the path, an element of the path.  Purpose, my purpose is not a destination or a definition, is not predetermined or predefined -- but is part of the discovery, part of my remembering who I really am, more & more & more & more.