Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Making Friends with Words

Up until mid-February 2016, I was allergic to, recoiled from, and otherwise disdained and rejected such words as:
* powerful
* confidence
* juicy / moist
* Queen (in reference to myself)
* worthy
* deserving
* unlimited (or: limitless)
* downstream (going with the flow, not pushing back)

My working mantra/belief system up until the same time point was (for years, actually):  'Little Equals BIG' - as in: I thought I excelled by keeping my activities and circle of friends and family smaller, so they would receive more, and more balanced, of my attention, my focus, my energy, my love.  The phrase Dream Big gagged me, offended me even.  I was belligerently, defensively tired of having that thrust at me as the only way to grow, to be, to believe, to achieve, to perceive success, etc.  I thought my strength was in my only allowing a very, very restricted, limited ... um ... realm in my life.

Until February of this year, I couldn't sustain looking at myself in the mirror, for any length of time beyond about 45 seconds - for all kinds of reasons:  I saw nothing but flaws OR I felt self-conscious OR I didn't see anyone of value to be staring at.  I mainly didn't/couldn't even recognize myself in the reflection.

My goal this year was to study LOVE -- read about it, talk about it, read more, do practices for myself -- love.

Meditation, specific reading, life coaching and the ongoing practice sessions have paraded all these, and many more, words into and through my awareness, and it's as if we've never met.  And it began with self-love.  I had never anticipated that - at all, let alone as first rise, first priority, immediately.  Ba-Bam.   Visions and inspired thought during meditations have shown me I'm a queen - only it isn't a 'queen' in the trigger-laden way that word has always existed for me.  I'm not even going to try explain the differences - I can't.  But I 'know' them; I feel them.  And that lined up powerful, and confidence, and dream big, and man-oh-man do I love myself some Toni-time-in-the-mirror.  Not one wobble in considering my own worthiness and deservingness.

More, please.  More and more and more.  Vast, huge, endless, unlimited, limitless, eternal.  Love.  Loving me. 

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